News Letter
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My Newsletter - April 2007
Celebrate Today
Spring has come to Arizona! Trees, shrubs and cacti are blooming everywhere, and the beautiful warm sunshine reminds us why we love living here.
Much has happened since my last newsletter. I married a wonderful man on February 28, in Sedona, AZ. and we spent a few days sightseeing and hiking in a canyon amidst the red rocks, that breathtaking landscape that is Sedona’s signature.
After being single for sixteen years, I’m happy to be part of a couple again. We are adjusting nicely, arranging furniture, space, and life’s pursuits so we can share ourselves with one another. And that brings me to the topic for my newsletter for April.
Building a Life – By Accident or Design
Today, I want to share ideas about a very important aspect of grief and loss – rebuilding your life. Whether we want it to or not, this process begins immediately, following the death of a loved one.
When you lose that one person you can’t live without, the pain is unbearable. That person with whom you built a life and a relationship is now physically unavailable, and the nurturing and sustenance you relied on is gone. Languor settles over you that is beyond sadness, and the first pangs of grief are born.
In the center of a crisis, your new life begins. Decision-making becomes an exclusive responsibility, without the counsel of the person whose wisdom you cherish. Have you sat and wondered what that person would advise about a particular situation? Has an idea popped into your head that is “so like” your loved one? Holding fast to every aspect of that person is all you can think about. But there is no opportunity for dialogue, for the exploring of ideas. You reach for a steady hand, and realize you are alone.
The practicality of life is that things have to get done. Schedules for work, family, or personal interests are on clipboards or computers, scraps of paper, or in our heads, and we respond to their demands. “I have to be somewhere in a half hour”, “I have a meeting tonight”, “the kids need a ride” rule our lives. Then someone dies and none of it matters. It pales by comparison, except that commitments have been made and responsibilities need to be met.
We begin making decisions immediately. Some things can’t wait, and so we shoot from the hip. We are beginning to build a new life before we’re ready, and without much thought or expert advice. Our new life is happening by accident.
How do we, then, begin to build a life by design? Let’s look at four considerations that can become the blueprint for a new life.
1. Imperatives
What must be addressed now? Money matters, medical issues, legal situations, children, housing are all items that need immediate attention. Ask experts and/or professionals for good, solid advice. Here is where well-meaning friends and relatives may not know what’s best for you. Their experiences may have nothing in common with yours. Thank them politely, and then listen to the experts.
2. Keepsakes
Consider carefully what you want to keep from your relationship with your loved one. What sustains you, what do you cherish that needs to be tucked away in your treasure chest?
Your treasured keepsakes will help you decide how to re-order your life. Think deeply about each one, remember its significance, and determine how to include its core value in any decisions you make. For example: a shared interest in music may encourage you to continue to buy season tickets to the symphony, using the second ticket to invite a friend or family member to join you.
3. Change
Major changes (job, residence) should be given a lot of thought, and the rule of thumb is to wait a year for important decisions, but you can start to explore possibilities.
Taking up a new hobby or joining a special interest group that appeals to you is ideal, now that you are alone. The personal growth will be stimulating and positive, and meeting new people enables you to better manage the sense of isolation that comes with grief.
4. Dream
Allow yourself to dream new dreams. Designing a new life will be awkward. You didn’t plan it or ask for this event in your life. But it has happened, and moving forward affirms that living fully can occur even though we are alone. The memories of loving and being loved created an individual with a sense of the goodness and sustainability of a purposeful life.
I encourage you as you move forward and struggle to rebuild your life. As always, I wish you well. My life’s design included all of the above considerations, not always in order, but carefully crafted as to my well-being and growth. Seek wisdom and support from others, and give freely.
Judy
My Newsletter - December 2006
Celebrate Today
The holidays are approaching and our senses are heightened, as we gear up for those wonderful times with family and friends. Memories of childhood celebrations flood our minds, and a feeling of contentment wraps `round us as we turn our attention to holiday tasks. Following traditions brings continuity to our lives, and the memories may even evoke a giggle or two as we remember the hustle and bustle of past holidays, when cooks burned the turkey or decorated trees crashed to the floor.
Every family has cherished traditions that bring them together, whether it be religious in kind, or personal in nature. “We always do this at our house,” is often heard amongst groups of children and grownups alike. It imparts a sense of belonging, acceptance, and a place to be that is yours to keep.
When someone dies, there is an empty chair at the holiday table, seen or unseen. A somber note clouds over the festivities, softening the gaiety, as painful memories of the loved one crowd the mind in the midst of celebration.
Mourning a loved one clashes deeply with the spontaneity of fun-filled holiday fare. It can provoke overwhelming grief and sadness, making celebration nearly impossible for the griever(s), and rendering others helpless in the wake of such pain.
Warming a Broken Heart
Today, I'd like to talk about the healing balm that can come from those joyous festivities we celebrate with our loved ones. The noise and commotion can be overwhelming to anyone, but especially to the broken-hearted, whose loved one is not there to share this day with them. Those present try their best to “cheer up” the griever, to no avail.
Helping the bereaved isn't about cheering up someone; it's about sharing their grief so as to lighten the burden. Here are some wonderful gifts you can give a friend or family member who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
Listening is a magical balm that eases the pain of loss. Listen with quiet attention, allowing the person time to tell the complete story. It's said that no one wants to talk about grief. True, but for one exception. Those in mourning want and need to talk about it as much as others will listen. Healing begins when a friend sits down and gently asks to hear their story.
Sharing memories of the loved one, serious and funny, is a blessed cord that keeps the living connected emotionally with those they've lost. Humor doesn't bring dishonor; rather it gives life to the memory of one whose laughter we remember. Anecdotes from those who also miss our loved one are a reminder that people touch many lives, and are remembered in special ways.
The comfort of touch gives immeasurable solace to those who mourn. Holding someone's hand connects you and imparts reassurance that one is not alone. An arm around the shoulders draws one close, allowing contact that grants security and peace of mind. And hugs are always in order. Drawing someone into your arms is more than comfort; it says “I feel your pain and healing will come”.
Crying together cleanses both the mind and the soul. Tears are a release and an acknowledgment that sadness and pain need expression. When someone cries, cry with them. It brings around full circle the joy experienced in knowing the deceased.
As the holidays approach for me, I'm reminded each year of that day after Thanksgiving when my husband entered the hospital. He lived five and a half weeks, with crises occurring frequently. It was the most difficult Christmas my family has ever experienced, yet we celebrated with the familiar traditions as best we could.
I want to leave you with a quotation from the book You Better Recognize! By Valerie Rose (Beaver's Pond Press, Edina, MN. 2002).
“Love is what's in the room with you at the holidays if you stop opening presents and listen.” - Bobby, age 5
As always, I wish you well. Embrace hope. The love of family and friends, the joy of celebration and the peace of contentment are my healing balm.
Judy
My Newsletter - November 2006
It's a bright and beautiful day and I'm energized to begin my first newsletter. Connecting with people through writing has become my joy and my mainstay these past few years.
My website is named for my book, No Time to Grieve, a book that helps solve the problems of the bereaved. My newsletter is entitled Celebrate Today, an affirmation of the importance of each moment, each day.
The newsletter will be full of variety -- it will not just “dwell” on grief -- and will offer ideas, insights, and considerations on such subjects as the holidays, family dynamics, social interaction, financial concerns, and more. I have learned from experience that, with direction and perseverance, you can have more control over your life, and a greater sense of assurance in dealing with difficult situations.
Whether you are newly bereaved, or are missing someone who has been gone awhile, life happenings and events occasionally throw us a curve. Having resources at your fingertips helps give you confidence and a sense of well-being as you take charge of your life and make necessary choices.
What follows is the first issue. Please take a few moments to read it. And if you like it, you may wish to subscribe. If so, follow the simple instruction at the end of this page; we will add you to our newsletter list and you will receive your copy
via e-mail each time we publish -- which will be "occasionally."
My Newsletter - September 2006
Sunshine in the Clouds
Today, I'd like to talk about moving forward, the difficult process of stepping out from the immediate crisis facing you and looking to the beginning of a new life. This very emotional act takes decision and determination.
Decision because when you are in the midst of a crisis, when your whole life has changed, and you're struggling to keep your head above water, it's nearly impossible to visualize the future.
Determination because the will to move forward and stay on that path will require some grit.
At a time when everything is falling apart, struggle and submission compete for control of the individual. To hang on or to let go. Which should I choose?
While you're still not sure what's happening to you or whether you can cope, a glimmer of light comes streaking toward you, beckoning you to follow its bright path. It opens up the sky to reveal wonder and possibilities, dissecting the grayness of storm conditions and reminding us that there can be a rainbow after the rain.
Poetic? Yes. Corny? No. Beautiful possibilities exist for our lives following loss. The sadness will never completely go away. But memories of your loved one, comfort from friends and family, and your own need to heal carry you through from mourning to new life.
Look for that streak of light. Decide to devote a few moments to ponder how you will move forward without that necessary person. Watch the clouds part and give you a view of blue skies and warm sunshine.
Make a first decision of what your new life might be. Then determine to follow that vision with one or two steps in that direction. Write it down, tell a friend, let it run through your mind. Mourning isn't over, grief isn't resolved, but you are beginning to emerge as a strong survivor, forever saddened by your loss, but not diminished by it.
As a survivor, I am well acquainted with grief, and with the whole recovery process. As it happened, I still had children at home when my husband died. Each person's situation is uniquely their own, but some similarities are evident.
Grief and loss invade every aspect of our being - mind, body, heart and soul.
Healing comes from within and without and takes time.
Your life is forever changed, but the person you were still remains inside you.
Moving forward doesn't mean you are moving away from yourself or your loved one; it simply means you are making a positive effort to understand and reorganize your life. The ball is in your court, even though all seems out of control.
I wish you well. Embrace hope. I lost my loved one fifteen years ago, and even though I'm never completely alone, I miss his presence in my life. He believed that life was meant to be enjoyed, not endured. That is his legacy to me, and my glimmer of light.
Judy
Well, there it is, my first effort at a newsletter designed to bring you a few thoughts and ideas I'd like to share. If you would like to receive occasional newsletters from me, please click on the link below and send me an email from the computer to which you would like us to direct your mail. In the Subject box just type the single word SUBSCRIBE. We'll do the rest.
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